Well, while it is no surprise to me, I am feeling enormous pressure from Mr K who wants to put the IVF behind us for once and for all. He says he is perfectly happy with our little family, and doesn’t mind if it is just the three of us. On one hand it seems the easy way out would be to say OK and give it all the flick. But it is easier said than done to give up on everything I have been aiming for for the last four years. And what are the repercussions of doing just that? Would I end up regretting my decision? I am still young as far as IVF is concerned, if I give it up, will I regret it later? If I give it up because it is the easier course, or to make Mr K happy, will I end up resenting him for that? (seems like something I would do, never been one to forgive people easily for the big stuff). It is easy for Mr K to say lets give it away. I know he probably isn’t thinking like this, but it is a fact of life, that if, in 10 years time, he regrets not having more children, then he has choices in the future – it is entirely possible for him to trade me in on a faster fertile model. Not that I think he would do that – but I wouldn’t be the first woman it has happened to.
I think giving up now, means me accepting my failure. I wouldn’t just FEEL like a failure any more, I would have to acknowledge that I have failed. God, I need some space. I can’t get my thoughts together these days. I need to get my shit together without being pressured by my family, and importantly without Mr K projecting his desires onto mine. Often I find myself altering my needs to suit his, as I am sure he does with me also. But I think with this, if I am to come to accept that this is it for good, then I need it to be a decision based singularly on what I feel without being impacted upon by anyone else.
OT – I sometimes wonder if there is a feminine variant of the word ’emasculated’. Cos that is how being infertile makes me feel, like I am missing all the feminine and womanly things that other women have, and for reasons I can’t define, it all hinges on my inability to concieve. Why do I feel like I am less than a woman, because I can’t breed?
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