My Dad is getting worse, each week he seems to be facing more problems. Again I have just realised that I have hardly mentioned him here, my head is always too full of IVF – it is so pervasive. I have decided to take a break from it all, should this cycle prove unsuccessful, as I feel I need to focus on my family, and my Mum in particular, she needs us around. I know I haven’t been very useful to them over the last few months. Hell, I haven’t been much help for the last couple years if truth be told. Everytime I go and see them, Dad seems worse, and I find it so upsetting that I often cry all the way home. So it is penetrating sometimes, but most of the time, I just dont seem to think about him, I feel so overwhelmed by my own problems.
Dad would hate to hear me say that I am going to halt the IVF due to his condition, but I dont know what else to do. I obviously dont have the mental energy to devote to both the IVF procedures and to being as supportive as I want to be to Mum and Dad. Dad is starting to have difficulties breathing, and I am very frightened about what will happen when he loses his ability to communicate with us. He is very uncomfortable and experiencing a lot of pain, how will he tell us what we can do to try and alleviate his pain and discomfort once his speech is gone? I almost feel that he should be in full time care now, so his nurses can get used to what he needs before he gets to the point where he can’t tell them. I can’t stand the idea of Dad stuck in a palliative care ward, unable to move, unable to talk, riddled with pain and no one knows he needs help.
I wish there was more that we could do to help. No, I wish there was something… anything we could do to help, rather than having to feel so useless watching Mum and Dad struggle through this.
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