I was at work yesterday, and Hubby took Angel to the GP for his headcold. When he was there, Jack (Dr S) gave him a copy of the pathology results of my D&C. He told me on the phone that he had the results and that the baby had a major chromosomal abnormality called a Trisomy 22 (three of the number 22 chromosome) which is apparently quite a common cause of early term spontaneous abortion. That was fine, I was kinda glad to have a reason why the baby hadn’t developed normally – maybe the same thing had been present in my other miscarriages, we’ll never know. It was reassuring to know that it wasn’t anything that I had done.

When I got home though, I saw the report myself. For a full minute, all I could see was the XX. God, I felt like I had been kicked in the guts. I wanted to know, but it just threw me right back into feeling like it had just happened. A little girl. For someone who is desperate to have a child, any child, I have had an unreasonable/illogical/inexplicable desire to have a daughter. I remember even feeling a tiny twinge of disappointment when I found out Angel was going to be a boy – it was really fleeting, but it was there none the less. I can only think it must be due to the relationship that I have with my Mum. She has been the most amazing, supportive, hardworking and constant person in my life. I guess I always wanted a little girl so I could try and forge a relationship like that with my own daughter. Angel is absolutely incredible, but I guess everyone knows there is something special between mothers and daughters.

Who am I kidding, I would have been just as upset to see XY on the page.

How much more? When is the bad news going to stop? I feel like the annus horribilus thing has been going on for years for our little family. My father is getting worse daily (Motor Neurone Disease), his condition seems to be declining rapidly – he has just in the last few weeks lost all use of his hands, and I noticed for the first time this week that he is having difficulty saying certain words. No doubt he will be having breathing difficulties before too long. It makes me feel like such an awful person to think it, but I hope he doesn’t hang in there too long. We have all been grieving him for the last year and a half, and none of us can think of anything else where Dad is concerned. Mum is having an extremely difficult time looking after him, she is now pretty much caring for him 24/7. He can’t roll over in bed at night, he can’t shower or go the the toilet on his own, and now he finds himself unable to operate his laptop, which was the only thing he got any enjoyment from anymore. He is slowly losing his ability to communicate, what will it be like when he can’t talk at all? He has always been the unobtrusive, quiet and resigned type of person – never bucking the system, never putting himself out there, never demanding anything from life. He has worked so hard to enjoy his retirement only to find it is being cut short at only 58. We all thought he would still be here to see Angel having children. For gods sake they all live forever, why not Dad? My grandfather is 87 next month, his brothers and sisters all lived well into their late 90s, Lily is still with us and she is 103 now and still healthy. It makes me so angry and frustrated. There is nothing we can do to help Dad, and he seems so accepting of the situation.

I just realised that this is the first mention of my poor Dad in this journal. Have I become so accustomed to thinking about his awful situation that it has become background noise in my mind? Oh God how could this have not been penetrating the other disappointments in my life at the moment? I am sitting here, crying miserably (I just can’t seem to let myself cry like this when other people are around) when I normally work really hard to keep my emotions in check. How can I be so wrapped up in my own problems that I haven’t even mentioned my dying father here amongst my thoughts. Shit am I so self centered? I really need to get out of my head. There just doesn’t seem enough room in my brain for all this anymore.

Tell me what you think