Our heroine is slowly but surely losing not just her marbles… but the bag she’s supposed to keep them in and the fucking receipt that one would have been well advised to keep in order that they may be returned!  It is daily becoming more and more apparent by her demonstrable lack of rational thought or impulse control that the situation is bordering cataclysmic for we left dire and desperate behind months ago.  The thought patterns are becoming ever more erratic, the concentration problems are increasing, the memory failures causing more and more daily disquiet and insecurities where previously none existed are inescapably eating away at what little desire she has to be here remains. 

Desperation…  they always say you only miss it once it’s gone  😐   ‘Twas months ago when that set in.  How does you express what happens after that?  When you’re past the desperation and have moved onto a place of such absolute hopelessness that the desperation of months gone by feels like something one ought to aspire to regain?  I have to find somebody… anybody…  but how to decide on such a thing when deciding what to eat or what to wear seem obstacles of insurmountable proportions.  I was so emotionally distraught, thoroughly drained and subsequently deflated by S01E01 that the idea of  seeking out another appointment and crossing my fingers seems to be inviting certain disaster and increased despondency. 

How do you decide who to turn to unburden all your psycho hose-beastliness on? 
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So what happens when you start to feel so horribly deprived of everything your inherent personality drives you to?  In many ways I am the very model of a modern major ENTJ.  I identify with a vast deal of every essay I’ve ever read on the ENTJ personality type (including the one below).  With perhaps only the notable exception of hoping I am more aware and considerate of others than this assessment have us believe I could be convinced that I’d make a good text book example to be true.

But if the ENTJ’s are the visionary big picture thinkers, the decisive, natural born leaders who excel in the workplace, cope well under pressure, make excellent communicators and are comfortable being in command of our surroundings, executing our plans and working towards our goals with determination and confidence… where does it leave you when it feels like the world and elements beyond your control have so thoroughly shit on your entire life that you are unable to exercise ANY of these elements of your personality?

I’ve been told that it’s the lazy and unmotivated that suffer less when dealing with chronic pain.  Not physically, but emotionally.  People who don’t want to "do" care not a whit when they find that they "can’t".  It’s the people that really want to… no not just want to – desperately need to be out "doing" that end up so pissed off and constantly frustrated by the limitations of chronic pain.

I am just not me anymore and it feels like it’s largely beyond my control.

As an ENTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENTJs are natural born leaders. They live in a world of possibilities where they see all sorts challenges to be surmounted, and they want to be the ones responsible for surmounting them. They have a drive for leadership, which is well-served by their quickness to grasp complexities, their ability to absorb a large amount of impersonal information, and their quick and decisive judgments. They are "take charge" people.

ENTJs are very career-focused, and fit into the corporate world quite naturally. They are constantly scanning their environment for potential problems which they can turn into solutions. They generally see things from a long-range perspective, and are usually successful at identifying plans to turn problems around – especially problems of a corporate nature. ENTJs are usually successful in the business world, because they are so driven to leadership. They’re tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed. For these reasons, they are natural corporate leaders.

There is not much room for error in the world of the ENTJ. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people’s feelings, and more than likely don’t believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people’s feelings. ENTJs, like many types, have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. Unlike other types, ENTJs naturally have little patience with people who do not see things the same way as the ENTJ. The ENTJ needs to consciously work on recognizing the value of other people’s opinions, as well as the value of being sensitive towards people’s feelings. In the absence of this awareness, the ENTJ will be a forceful, intimidating and overbearing individual. This may be a real problem for the ENTJ, who may be deprived of important information and collaboration from others. In their personal world, it can make some ENTJs overbearing as spouses or parents.

The ENTJ has a tremendous amount of personal power and presence which will work for them as a force towards achieving their goals. However, this personal power is also an agent of alienation and self-aggrandizement, which the ENTJ would do well to avoid.

ENTJs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. The ENTJ who has not developed their Intuition will make decisions too hastily, without understanding all of the issues and possible solutions. On the other hand, an ENTJ who has not developed their Thinking side will have difficulty applying logic to their insights, and will often make poor decisions. In that case, they may have brilliant ideas and insight into situations, but they may have little skill at determining how to act upon their understanding, or their actions may be inconsistent. An ENTJ who has developed in a generally less than ideal way may become dictatorial and abrasive – intrusively giving orders and direction without a sound reason for doing so, and without consideration for the people involved.

Although ENTJs are not naturally tuned into other people’s feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. Often these sentiments are very powerful to the ENTJ, although they will likely hide it from general knowledge, believing the feelings to be a weakness. Because the world of feelings and values is not where the ENTJ naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems – sometimes rather serious problems.

ENTJs love to interact with people. As Extroverts, they’re energized and stimulated primarily externally. There’s nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation. They especially respect people who are able to stand up to the ENTJ, and argue persuasively for their point of view. There aren’t too many people who will do so, however, because the ENTJ is a very forceful and dynamic presence who has a tremendous amount of self-confidence and excellent verbal communication skills. Even the most confident individuals may experience moments of self-doubt when debating a point with an ENTJ.

ENTJs want their home to be beautiful, well-furnished, and efficiently run. They’re likely to place much emphasis on their children being well-educated and structured, to desire a congenial and devoted relationship with their spouse. At home, the ENTJ needs to be in charge as much as he or she does in their career. The ENTJ is likely best paired with someone who has a strong self-image, who is also a Thinking type. Because the ENTJ is primarily focused on their careers, some ENTJs have a problem with being constantly absent from home, physically or mentally.

The ENTJ has many gifts which make it possible for them to have a great deal of personal power, if they don’t forget to remain balanced in their lives. The are assertive, innovative, long-range thinkers with an excellent ability to translate theories and possibilities into solid plans of action. They are usually tremendously forceful personalities, and have the tools to accomplish whatever goals they set out for.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Extraverted Thinking
Auxiliary: Introverted Intuition
Tertiary: Extraverted Sensing
Inferior: Introverted Feeling

Yes. Season and Episode. 

Last September I started telling my GP that I think I’m ‘easily tearful and losing the plot a little’ and that ‘my previously effective coping mechanisms are not cutting the mustard’ so I ‘think I need to see Someone™ about this’.   That was my first polite request to get a referral to a suitable psych.  Over the last few months the initial polite queries have disintegrated into desperate entreaties of the <sobbing> ‘oh-dear-god-i-am-sick-of-being-in-pain-and-just-want-to-curl-up-and-die'</sobbing> type.  Yay for brutal honesty.  

Truncated version of subsequent events between himself, myself and the THREE VerkCuvva Nazis I’ve been dealing with since September (Oh dear… I wonder what has been holding this process up?) is that it has taken until now to finally see someone.  I had a feeling from the beginning that this wasn’t going to be as simple as it should be.  All I wanted was a psych who 1) doesn’t give one the initial impression of being a total moron  2) doesn’t patronize or condescend (I prefer my empathy genuine or not at all thank you very much)  3) has a decent grasp of the English vernacular (a psychologist who asks YOU what misanthropic means is NOT a good sign)  4) doesn’t work from the city (so I don’t have to face the anxiety inducing city traffic on a weekly basis).  So today I had the first appointment …. and something tells me this IS going to be as difficult, draining and depressing as I anticipated.

Contestant No 1.   Reader’s Digest version of discussion:
– long drawn out history with chronic back pain from 4MVAs
– persistent and unrelenting nature of said pain
– ineffectiveness of analgesics and treatments thus far
– pain induced insomnia, resultant dependence on sedatives
– frustration and despair over physical limitations
– frequent suicidal ideation (which for the record, lacks intent)
– limitations due to oversedation in mornings
– depression, anxiety, panic attacks in cars, stress and tension
– constant rehashing situation with new specialists
– unfavourable prognosis from numerous specialists
– strain on relationships and deliberate social withdrawal
– memory lapses and concentration problems
– irritability and short temper with others
– inability to perform aerobically beneficial exercise
– low motivation and energy for day to day events, tasks etc
– aversion to legal proceedings and medico-legal appointments
– strain of keeping severity of situation from others
– stress of Verkcuvva managers continually changing
– IVF matters: including miscarriages, financial and marital strain
– family: Dad and Motor Neurone Disease
– perception that my entire adult life has been problem after problem
– inherent distrust for entire psychology/psychiatry profession (though perhaps I should have listed this first as it did come up rather early in the conversation)

… and so on and so forth until almost two hours and several soggy tissues later… Contestant No 1 says "You have experienced an awful lot of loss in your life… both emotional and physical.  It sounds like you really need ongoing treatment and I think you’re aware there’s no quick fix here.   So I think I should tell you that within the next two months I am going to be relocating my practice to Wickham Terrace in the City.  Given that you have been having panic attacks and anxiety in cars and in traffic and have expressed a desire to avoid driving to practitioners in the city you might be better served finding someone else in the local area rather than us spending a couple of months developing rapport together only to possibly have to start over again when I move my practice.’   Or some bullshit to that effect.

Sometimes I hate being right.

This whole relying on drugs thing for sleep just doesn’t seem to be working for me this week.  I am feeling absolutely drained and as such think an extra special drug cocktail must be in order because I am starting to get that horrible people talking to me under water thing you get when you’re sleep deprived.

I’ve been shopping around the last two weeks trying to find a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in pain management but I’m getting nowhere.  I’d prefer to find a psychiatrist because they might have some decent input on managing the veritable plethora of medications that I’m chugging down in alarming quantities.   There’s a few reasons why I’m finding this so difficult.  Firstly, there aren’t many pain management specialist psychiatrists in BrisVegas.  Secondly, I’m reluctant to start seeing someone and dredge up my dreadfully convoluted history and then decide they’re a plonker and need to start all over again… and then of course there is my inherent distrust for the entire profession which is predominantly based on my previous personal experiences.   Basically I’m generally cynical that any amount of counselling can make someone okay about being in pain all day… and I strongly doubt that talking about it hour after expensive hour is going to alleviate the overwhelming frustration that results from not being able to do every day little things either.  But that’s just me…

My initial exposure to the psychiatric profession (strangely enough for pain management) was when I was about 23 and I was referred to a psych for medication management (no wonder I’m feeling so much deja fucking vu atm).  Mogodons and Prozac were drugs du jour back in the early 90s and I was on them both and others as well.  This first psych was an absolute cockhead who chewed on his biros and even though he was only about 35-40 he had horrid little rows of hair plugs across his forehead that made it hard to talk to his face.  He would constantly ask me about my relationships with my family (esp my Mum and my Dad) which would cause me to regularly ask what that has to do with my pain issues.  He was always running late which meant I’d be stuck sitting around in uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room once for about an hour and then wonder why I was argumentative and pugilistic when I finally got in the door.  I remember one occasion where I’d sat there bored out of my trolley and started doing the Woman’s Day crossword in a magazine from the waiting room.  When he finally ushered me into his minimalist,  anti-decorated and impersonal office and asked me how I was – I put the magazine on the desk and asked if he’d mind waiting two more minutes and I’d have it finished.  It probably doesn’t help instill confidence in your medical professional if they seem confused by your vocabulary either.  Wang-karrr…  Hated him, hated him, hated him.

I saw one psych for IVF related depression which was a total waste of time.  How is anyone supposed to help you accept the absymal grief and depression that comes with repeated failed IVF procedures??  I spent four years resisting taking anti-depressants which were being reccommended by my IVF specialist, the psych and my GP because I could see no use whatsoever in trying to medicate the problem.  I knew what was making me miserable and anti-depressants weren’t going to fix it… nor could I see how drugs were going to make me happy with the situation.  This psych (who was supposed to be a specialist in the areas of infertility related mood and adjustment disorders) was aiming for empathetic and understanding… but somehow only ever managed patronizing and condescending instead.  Her office was full of photos of her children growing up and then photos of her grandchildren… looking around the room and listening to her almost text book bedside manner conversational style made it feel like she had absolutely no frame of reference for what infertility does to you and how it makes you feel.   I made a polite comment about one of her photos on one visit and she started telling me how amazing her one year old grand-daughter was.  Oblivious.  Totally fucking oblivious.  Barely managed to sit through two appointments with that one.

Oh, and the worst one of all has been vividly etched on my brain forever.  It was last year and I got sent to an assessing psych whose rooms (which were located in the downstairs of her house) just about sent me crazy… she had so much shit crammed into her ‘office’ (and I use the term loosely) which included exercise equipment, an old couch, massive flat screen tv, scraps of paper pinned to the walls, the door, sticky notes EVERYWHERE, papers piled from arsehole to breakfast, broken ceramic ornaments, a copy of Russian Ark on DVD (which haunts me to this day – I mean who’d buy that film? ) and a wet smelly dog under the desk.  That place made me twitch really bad and there was so much shit in the room it was everything I could do to keep focussed on what she was saying and ignore the state of the place.  It didn’t need a clean – it need a some lighter fluid and a match.  Really glad I only had to go there once.

There have been others too… mostly medico-legal types who aren’t interested in treating you or even reccommending treatments their job is just to poke and prod you and pull you to bits at the seams and offer an ‘expert opinion’ on how fucked up (or not – depending on who was paying their bill) you were for the court cases (and I say court cases…. because there were several).  So basically I don’t like them and wish I didn’t have anything to do with them in general…. except it’s becoming more and more obvious every day that I’m not coping (which is hard for me to admit).  I’m not coping with the pain or the side effects of the medications or the lack of sleep or the loss of amenity. 

I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like everything I do is pissing someone off because I just don’t have the energy to make nice… I really don’t.  I’m just drained.  I don’t want to socialize with most of my friends, I don’t want to meet new people, I don’t want to be confronted every day with more things that I simply can’t do without increasing my pain… I don’t even want to leave the house most days.  It’s taking a monumental fucking effort to just get out of bed in the morning and go through the motions of making the Small Child’s lunch and take him to school.  So my coping mechanisms are at an all time low and if I weren’t concerned about what the combination with all the medication might do… I think I’d be drinking myself into a stupor every single night.  Which really doesn’t leave me much choice… so shrink shopping it is. 

If only I felt equipped to make a decent decision at the moment… I think that would expedite this whole process.