Kogan can shove it up their cloaca!

(review of dealings with Kogan)

Someone I know who may, or may not be heading off on a holiday adventure of a lifetime (squeeeeee!) thought it was time to get her priorities straight…  1) Tickets, and lots of them, 2) Decide what photographic equipment you are prepared to lug around, and then 3) Eventually investigate travel insurance.

So, naturally I’m in the process of compressing/condensing my camera gear so I’m not lugging around unnecessary lenses and stuff like that.  Especially given there will be a phone (and charger), an iPad (and charger), a GPS (and charger) and a camera/s (and charger/s all going in the bag.  Yes, modern travel is not as lightweight as it used to be!

I’ve done a stocktake and decided I NEED a new lens.  A little research, a bit of discussion here and there and I decide upon a Canon EF 24-105mm F/4L USM lens that I believe will meet my travel needs.

Next of course comes the shopping around for the best price.  Popped into the Camera House at my local Westfield shopping centre and saw it … my preciousss … for $1699.  Bugger me.  Sooo not paying full retail (not that I ever do).  Hit the internets and find that Kogan, curse their goddamn cotton socks, have the desired lens ON SALE (aren’t those some of your favourite two words on the planet!) for one of the best prices around at a mere $749.

Yay!  A slight moment’s hesitation occurs (and I meant blinkingly brief!) as I considered beg, borrowing or stealing one of these lenses from a friend for the duration before I firmly and decisively decide to place an order while the sale price lasts.  Awesome… enter my Platinum Visa, long suffering and well abused bit of plastic that it is, and ta-da… within seven days I should have my new lens to play with and will be all ready for amazing photographic opportunities that are certain to arise during future travels!

But hang on 🙁  Instead of receiving an invoice number and a ‘we will send you tracking information on your purchase as soon as your item has shipped’ email… I get this:

Oh ferfucksake.  Credit card verification?  Who does this anymore?  So I spent the next 24 hours logging into my bank account to find out how much they charged through so I can tell them the exact arbitrary figure and enable my order to be processed WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY.  Yes, I know I’m not going anywhere for months… but I want my preciousss now goddammit!!!  Else what is the point of shopping on line and choosing expedited shipping?  🙂

Overnight runs happen and the amount is still not showing up in my account.  I send an email to Kogan saying ‘hey, this is stupid this is why I have a Platinum Visa with excellent online buyer protection so that even if the card has been stolen or misused… you don’t lose the money and neither do I’.  Get a BS proforma email in return saying that the system is to make using credit cards safer and less likely to see them be the victims of fraud.  FINE.  Wait another day of logging into my banking sporadically to check to see if it shows up.. wait another o’night run and still nothing.

Fucking huge pain in the arse is what this is.  Decide after the second day that I should maybe give Kogan a call.  Okay perhaps this decision occurred before my medication had worn off for the morning and that’s never a good thing… but it’s their fault they have day light saving and can be contacted so early in the morning.  But anyway to poor young Matt who answered the phone, I am moderately apologetic for the tenor of our call.  It basically went thusly:

Me: What sort of chicken fucking moron came up with this system that totally negates any of the convenience obtained by shopping online by forcing their customers to continually check their bank for half a transaction and holding up order processing and subsequent delivery of their purchase? (Yes, I was having one of THOSE mornings).

Poor young Matt:  It’s standard procedure for credit card purchases now to avoid fraud.  Some Westpac and ANZ customers find it takes THREE to FIVE business days before the transaction will appear… (he says somewhat sheepishly).

Me:  Are you fucking serious?  So 3-5 days to appear in my account, then I tell you; then 7 days to process and then 3-5 more days to ship… where is the benefit in all this to the customer in shopping online, if I end up having to wait over two weeks for a purchase to arrive from Melbourne.  I can get books from the UK BookDepository or gadgets from Thinkgeek in the US to my door quicker than that!

Poor young Matt:  If you had checked out using PayPal you woudn’t have to go through this process.

Oh now he’s got my attention…

Me:  NOWHERE on your website does it tell consumers that checking out with PayPal will expedite their transaction.  NOWHERE on your website does it tell prospective credit card users that they will have to go through a verification system thus delaying their orders. NOWHERE on your website does it even mention a preferred payment option.

Poor young Matt:  Well, if we did that people wouldn’t use credit cards and we wouldn’t be able to pick up fraudulent transactions.

ME:  So the system is designed to attract and catch fraudulent credit card transactions?  I thought you were in the business of selling electronics so why is it that you seem to be in the business of shutting down credit card fraud?  Why not warn people about the verification system to STOP PEOPLE MAKING FRAUDULENT TRANSACTIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE and while you’re at it CANCEL MY GODDAMN ORDER WHILE I SPEND 20 SECONDS GOING THROUGH THE CHECKOUT PROCESS AGAIN USING PAYPAL THIS TIME YOU COMPLETE IDIOTS.

Poor young Matt:  Certainly Ma’am.  That will speed up your order processing considerably, especially seeing the weekend could mean your banks 3-5 days will be sometime in the middle of next week.

ME:  Dig up, dude.

So much for the convenience of shopping online.  Best bit is that Poor Phone Support Matt couldn’t even tell me if it would re-occur if I shopped with them in the future using the same credit card because their system doesn’t store credit card information.

Bzzzt.  Wrong answer.  Never shopping with you fuckers again if I can help it.