Wow. Where to start? I went to see Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows this evening and have to say… I was singularly disappointed. I’ve been a bit of a fan since the way back when machine, so always look forward to seeing his new stuff come out. But this one reminds me of Sleepy Hollow… it was much anticipated but just kinda failed to deliver. Apparently it’s based on a TV show from the 60s that I’ve never seen, so maybe that explains my lack lustre response to the film, but even so, when did Tim Burton get so positively predictable? :S
There was the awkward fish out of water (vampire out of time) pasty white, gaunt, sunken eyed protagonist, a fairly epic cast which he seems to put together for all his films and the same sense of absurdity stemming from taking everyday ‘norms’ and kicking them in the guts to see what sort of kinky, disgusting or disturbing recontextualization he can make of them. It’s just soooo Tim Burton, it feels like the whole movie is an exercise in self aggrandizement and may as well be a homage to Tim Burton! Which would be fine if that were the aim, but somehow it feels like there is so much ‘typical’ Tim Burton fare in here, that it feels like it’s all flash and no substance, just sort of … Burton for Burton’s sake.
There’s a story, but it’s not particularly compelling, there’s quasi-interesting characters, but they’re not particular engaging and there’s a bit of pith and wit about going on, but it seems to be to no particular purpose?!? So what’s left? Johnny Depp plays an 18th century new money American aristocrat who is turned into a vampire by his serving wench/lover (the very saucy Eva Green) who it turns out, hath no fury like a witch scorned when he informs her he could never love her. Basically she kills his fiance, turns him into a vampire (though how, isn’t really made clear) and then systematically sets about ruining his life – his family’s business empire and fucking up the lives of his descendants forever and ever, amen… as you do when you have a rich bastard boyfriend who decides he’s too good for you and that you’re never going to be the one he takes home to meet Mum and Dad…. oh wait, that’s right she killed them off too, for good measure.
There’s a lot I could say about what I thought was wrong with this movie but I won’t, as I think that most Tim Burton and Johnny Depp fans are going to front up to see it regardless of how wonky the reviews get. Speaking of Wonky, Johnny Depp seems to play a cross between Edward Scissorhands and Willy Wonker in this thing… no Jack Sparrowesqueness in sight though. It’s like he’s got two main modes. 😛
The other thing that was extremely disappointing is that working alongside the usually fabulous Johnny Depp is an absolute stellar cast – Eva Green as Angelique is a very sexy, determined witch/bitch but she’s kinda a caricature of what she should be; Helena Bonham Carter plays an alcoholic shrink whose character lacks both depth or consequence; Michelle Pfieffer plays a fading socialite who has no impact or presence; Jonny Lee Miller (whom I normally adore) plays a philandering dead beat Dad in a bit part, and some very 21st century petulant spoiled brat performances from the kid actors – Chloe Grace Moretz and Gulliver McGrath – in spite of the whole thing being set in the 1970s!
Also, even though there’s stereotypical Burton weirdness everywhere, I think the weirdometer just about busts the dial during a crazy arse sex scene between Barnabas Collins (Deep) and Angelique Bouchard (Green) which I admit left most of the audience staring at the screen, giggling awkwardly and all thinking ‘WTF’ by the time the post coital cigarettes were being lit. 🙂 But other than a few decent one liners (‘best of’ below) and the expected quirky and off beat dialogue, a few typical OMG Burton moments, oh and some cool costumes and sets… there just wasn’t a lot of substance in this flashy pan of a film.
All from Barnabas Collins (of course Johnny Depp gets all the great dialogue!):
“Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those child-bearing hips to good use, lest your womb shrivel up and die.”
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry. However, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you.”
“Here are my terms: Goest thou to hell, and swiftly please, and there may Azmodaeus himself suckle from your diseased teat!”