Painful Poem by Anonymous…

I am tired of how invariably shitty my day to day life has been since the last MVA.  I feel so totally alone and like no one understands it at all.  No one gets it.  No one.  Not the doctors, not my family, not my friends.  No one.  I feel so alone and it makes me so frustrated and impotent that I just want to scream. 

I’ve been having awful dreams about the car accidents for quite a while now.  The sickening feeling of waking up in a panic as I see the dashboard of my old car tilting at an alarming angle and the realization that we might roll into the oncoming traffic… it’s horrendous and I feel as though I can’t breathe… like there’s a heavy weight on my chest.  Lately there’s been a new variation on this recurrning dream where I’m not reliving a previous accident but rather am in my little red car and have been in yet another accident.  There’s a massive truck smashed into the side of my little red car and I’m trapped, and I can’t get out, and I can’t breathe and I’m screaming, I’m really trying to scream as loud as I can and it feels as though my lungs will burst.  But no words come out and no ones hears me… and I’m in so much pain and so totally helpless and just so… trapped.

Fear of motion, fear of pain

Hoping it won’t start again

Constant companion, constant foe

Endless presence, endless woe

Angel pills bring some relief

Lie still, don’t move before the thief

Steals the moment of peace, so sweet

Leaves burning, stabbing, piercing heat

Two white to relax, two blue to relieve

Three hours escape will be achieved

Don’t take too much and be accused

All hope of living I will lose

Take too little, the fire rages great

More pills then needed to abate

Take too much, the help runs low

Fear the help forever goes

Still so much better that help is here

I searched for compassion for many years

The saviors thought a kiss could cure

The fire was imagined, would not endure

Pills for twinges they often saw

Nothing offered, helped at all

Looks that shamed kept me away

Searching to end the hell of each day

A savior that knew, offered hope

Belief in me and pills to cope

Nerve block injections add to the force

Longer relief sent straight to the source

Gives me a chance to lessen the pills

Maybe return to a day fore the ills

Still now the cycle has gone on too long

Knowledge keeps hope from growing strong

If I move, does it begin?

Turn of the neck, lift of the chin

Maybe a walk, my health improve

Or leave me in spasms, so I can’t move

Gnawing pain may be my reward

For scrubbing the kitchen counter hard

Longing for the swing of a bat or a club

Yield burning spears, no one can snub

Fear of motion, fear of pain

Learn a hot stove burns again

Fear of not moving, I grow weak

Fear of damage pills may wreak

Fear of motion, fear of pain

I’ll take the days that may remain

Space to breathe between the wave

Of hell that makes me seek the grave

Angel pills can keep me here

To call a friend and offer cheer

To write a poem that may explain

What you can’t know about my pain

PS – I didn’t write this poem it really was written by that prolific author, Anonymous.

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