I am tired of how invariably shitty my day to day life has been since the last MVA. I feel so totally alone and like no one understands it at all. No one gets it. No one. Not the doctors, not my family, not my friends. No one. I feel so alone and it makes me so frustrated and impotent that I just want to scream.
I’ve been having awful dreams about the car accidents for quite a while now. The sickening feeling of waking up in a panic as I see the dashboard of my old car tilting at an alarming angle and the realization that we might roll into the oncoming traffic… it’s horrendous and I feel as though I can’t breathe… like there’s a heavy weight on my chest. Lately there’s been a new variation on this recurrning dream where I’m not reliving a previous accident but rather am in my little red car and have been in yet another accident. There’s a massive truck smashed into the side of my little red car and I’m trapped, and I can’t get out, and I can’t breathe and I’m screaming, I’m really trying to scream as loud as I can and it feels as though my lungs will burst. But no words come out and no ones hears me… and I’m in so much pain and so totally helpless and just so… trapped.
Fear of motion, fear of pain
Hoping it won’t start again
Constant companion, constant foe
Endless presence, endless woe
Angel pills bring some relief
Lie still, don’t move before the thief
Steals the moment of peace, so sweet
Leaves burning, stabbing, piercing heat
Two white to relax, two blue to relieve
Three hours escape will be achieved
Don’t take too much and be accused
All hope of living I will lose
Take too little, the fire rages great
More pills then needed to abate
Take too much, the help runs low
Fear the help forever goes
Still so much better that help is here
I searched for compassion for many years
The saviors thought a kiss could cure
The fire was imagined, would not endure
Pills for twinges they often saw
Nothing offered, helped at all
Looks that shamed kept me away
Searching to end the hell of each day
A savior that knew, offered hope
Belief in me and pills to cope
Nerve block injections add to the force
Longer relief sent straight to the source
Gives me a chance to lessen the pills
Maybe return to a day fore the ills
Still now the cycle has gone on too long
Knowledge keeps hope from growing strong
If I move, does it begin?
Turn of the neck, lift of the chin
Maybe a walk, my health improve
Or leave me in spasms, so I can’t move
Gnawing pain may be my reward
For scrubbing the kitchen counter hard
Longing for the swing of a bat or a club
Yield burning spears, no one can snub
Fear of motion, fear of pain
Learn a hot stove burns again
Fear of not moving, I grow weak
Fear of damage pills may wreak
Fear of motion, fear of pain
I’ll take the days that may remain
Space to breathe between the wave
Of hell that makes me seek the grave
Angel pills can keep me here
To call a friend and offer cheer
To write a poem that may explain
What you can’t know about my pain
PS – I didn’t write this poem it really was written by that prolific author, Anonymous.
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