I didn’t realize until about a month ago that I’ve been writing guff in this journal since June 2005. To start with it was intended as a purgative vehicle to pour all my angsty IVF bullshit into… a suggestion from one of the nurse co-ordinator counsellor types at the IVF clinic. Basically when you’re depressed because you can’t get up the duff… no amount of counselling is going to help because well… we know what’s making you miserable! Being infertile sucks. Being infertile and on IVF sucks even worse.
But spending time crying on the shoulder of some complete stranger of a psych is ever so completely useless when there’s nothing that can be said to alter that which is causing the emotional disquiet. Yes, they did send me to a psych at one point – her entire office was covered in pictures of her adult children and her beautiful grandchildren and their preschoolish artworks and she had absolutely no understanding whatsoever of what infertile IVF patients go through – hell she was barely able to convincingly make a pretense of empathy. So it was a complete and utter waste of time really.
Instead of going back I started writing shit down in here and the only motivation for doing so was because I can type sooo much faster than I can write. I’d like to say it was really therapeutic but I’m not so sure that is the case (for example anything related to IVF still evokes an emotional reaction… like that stupid woman with the octuplets last week) but I must have found it cathartic on some level to be able to go ‘Rah!’ all over the place so I stuck with it.
For a long time there was no one here but me and none of my friends or family knew I was here slowing going insane talking to myself on the internet and I think the first day someone left a comment on something I wrote (some stranger from Russia) I nearly fell off my chair! To think that somone else had been reading my crap! Oy! I nearly deleted the whole thing there an then… I wasn’t sure I wanted people in my head, you know. Obviously I didn’t do that and I’ve kept on posting… until here I am writing my 1000th post though I’m not convinced this is in any way significant.
I didn’t initially set out to be a blogger, join the blogging community or even to start reading other people’s blogs regularly – I didn’t even really start this one with the intention of anyone else reading it. I should probably take a moment to apologize for the complete and utter crap that turns up on here with alarming regularity. I’m pretty sure that I’ve not offered anything of any intrinisic value* to the world at large from being here… but here is where I still am, a couple of years later and I’ve discovered I quite enjoy spending a contemplative few minutes each day emptying some stuff out of my head and into the internets. So the interwebs are stuck with me… for now. 🙂
swiftly rectified by posting a picture of my breasts.
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