I’ve been sleeping really poorly since ‘the incident’. I usually take a small handful of drugs before bed… a little valium cocktail if you will, with some endep and an analgesic of the day chaser. If I take my pills like a good little girl I’m usually lucky enough to get somewhere between five or six hours ‘unconsciousness’. I’m totally reluctant to call that time, ‘sleep’ mostly because I certainly never wake up feeling like I’ve slept or feeling ‘refreshed’ or ‘rejuvenated’ or any of those other ‘re-‘ words which seem to be things experienced by other (painfree) peoples.
No I’m just literally knocking myself out every night and I know that if I fail to take my handful of nightly pills I quite literally am unable to sleep AT ALL because of the pervasive pain that never leaves me alone. What puzzles me most is how upon waking the first thing I notice is that I’m in pain… still. Stiff, sore and still experiencing horrible pervasive pain. How is it that I manage to stay unconscious up until that moment of waking? Is it quite literally that the drugs are effective for X hours and Y minutes at which point they wear off and ‘ta-da I’m awake and there’s that nasty pain again’? Or is my body somehow ignoring or not recognizing the pain in those last minutes before waking where the first tangible sensation is an awreness of pain?
I don’t know. Every morning I wake up, roll out of bed, stand shakily up and down some different pills – there’s big surprise – find myself blinking several times to try and clear my drug fucked over-sedated brain, stumble to the ensuite, splash some cold water on my face and attempt (often futilely) to brush my hair and make myself presentable before wandering out of my bedroom whereupon (this morning) I was greeted by Mr K thus –
"You look like shit. Did someone hit you in the face or something?"
Sigh… thanks. You sure know how to make a girl feel good.
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