Two minutes to midnight.

When I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my Lord my soul to keep
but if i die before I awake,
Well thank fuck for that cos I’ve had enough.

By the end of the day when I’m feeling exhausted having spent a lot of mental energy ignoring pain and even more mental energy trying not to complain about being in pain to the poor buggers who have to put up with me all day….. this is when I’m at my worse.  Fatigue makes it so much harder to deal with being in pain and by the time you’ve had a couple of consecutive nights of poor sleep… the added sleep deprivation makes it nigh on impossible to concentrate on anything BUT the fact that your body is telling you that you’re in pain.  It’s totally pervasive and absolutely debilitating and I can not describe how fucking over it I am.  I am literally running out of words to explain how shit I feel from morning to night, day after day and I am quite confident that no one wants to hear it anyway.

The only respite I seem to get from the constant pain is the two or three minutes when I first lay down in bed at night.  For an all too fleeting moment, my brain and my body seem to be kinda confused… I spend all day trying to keep moving… just kinda pottering about, sit for 20 mins, wander around the kitchen, tidy a few things away, fold half a load of laundry and just constantly moving and pottering about so I don’t exacerbate the pain by being too sedentary.  So when I lay down at night it feels like my body doesn’t seem to know how to react to being in a recumbent posture and for a brief couple of minutes the pain signals almost go away I have a welcome (but all too brief) feeling of relief.  But when those couple of minutes have passed my back seems to go… "Wait, wait. Hang on a minute. What have we got here?  We’re in a different position and just a minute… Yep, there it is – pain signal back ‘online’ for you there."

I wish I could just reboot my brain and sorta reinstall my nervous system so it would stop with this constant malfunctioning nerves bullshit….  I’ve a sneaking suspicion that I may have been designed by Microsoft.

It actually feels like that.  I might lay down with my neck and upper back being the area that seems to be passing on pain signals, but when i get into bed and lay down I get a fleeting couple of minutes of diminished pain and then suddenly it’ll ramp back up again but maybe in a different area, like in my lower back or something.  I honestly think the nerves somehow get confused from the different pressure/gravity on the body and then adjust themselves accordingly so they can resend pain down some other path.

Loose lips sink ships.

1.  light informal conversation for social occasions 
2.  a report about the behavior of other people; "the divorce caused much gossip" 
3.  a person given to gossiping and divulging personal information about others 

For the last five weeks or so, I’ve been wanting to find time to have a chat with an acquaintance of mine who I’m told has said something rather malicious about me to a third person who I barely know.  Now normally I don’t mind if I’m the subject of gossip… what a boring life you would have to be leading if no one ever spoke about you?  It rarely bothers me, so long as people stick to my actual indiscretions rather than fanciful or constructed ones.  Most people who know me personally would probably hear gossip about me and either a) take it with a grain of salt or b) think… ‘yes that sounds like something that Borys would do’.  So honest to goodness gossip so long as the facts are steeped in truth… is all fine by me. 

I doubt there’s a soul on the planet who hasn’t indulged in the time honoured past time of discussing common acquaintances with their friends.  Since time immemorial it has been the traditional method of keeping up to date with what our friends might be up to.   Or at least it WAS before Facebook et al came along and altered the social landscape. So no, I don’t really have a problem with idle chatter amongst friends about other friends.

But as I started out saying, several weeks ago I found out that someone who I had thought of as a friend (though admittedly not an overly close friend) took it upon herself to say some deliberately spiteful and potentially damaging things to a third person who I had only recently just met.  This new acquaintance doesn’t hardly know me at all and might have listened to the ill considered nonsense that my So Called Friend decided to thrust upon her.  And this is the sort of gossip makes me seriously twitch.

So I’ve been wanting to find time to go and talk to my So Called Friend about the incident in question but I’ve been prevented from seeing her at social outings where our paths might have crossed due to illness, then rushing off to the ER with girly swot issues and now illness again (yes i have the flu… again!).  A number of weeks have past and it’s annoying the hell out of me that I’ve not managed to broach the issue in as timely a fashion as I should have wished to.

Once again (the) Fox screws the Pooch

I’ve been watching New Amsterdam.  It’s a TV show about a modern day New York homicide detective John Amsterdam (played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) who is basically immortal.  He was gifted (or cursed) with immortality in his early 20s in the year 1642.  Which means he’s wandering around New York City at the ripe old age of 366 solving homicides.  Naturally having lived for so long, he brings a wealth of life experience to his job and more knowledge of local history than should be possible.  There’s a wide scope for story lines connecting to his past… past employment, past relationships, children he’s had, places he’s been and things he experienced centuries ago.

So why, oh why, after barely eight episodes, has Fox canceled it?  I hate it when they do that.  You get interested in a show, start to get a feel for the premise, begin to enjoy or empathize with the characters and then…. yoink!  Studio pulls it… never to be seen again. 

The bastards. 

Help… I’m covered in “B”s!!!

Last week’s letter meme starting with the letter A forced me to sit and think about things that I actually LIKE… compared to sitting here whinging about things that I inherently DISLIKE.  I have no idea why it seems to easy to come up with lists of things that annoy me and it takes a bit of an effort to think of things that I do like.  Weird.

Maybe it means that I’m a ‘glass is half empty’ sort of person with a naturally pessimistic outlook or maybe it’s one of those human nature things…. you know… like when you’re girlfriends are happy in their relationships they hardly ever say boo about how wonderful He is… but they’re right there ready to gripe and whinge the minute He puts a foot out of line.  We’re just all too quick to criticize maybe.  Shrug… who knows?!?

List of 10 Things I Like That Start With “B”….

1.   Books – I could spend hours and thousands in a good bookshop.
2.   BBC News – news which recognizes the existence of ‘other’ countries.
3.   Bees – industrious, productive, fiercely protective and cute 🙂
4.   Banking online – God bless the internets for sparing us bank queues.
5.   Bad Taste Bears – absurd juxtapositions of cute bear + adult concepts
6.   Bert Kaempfert – a family dinner isn’t a family dinner without him.
7.   Bourbon – especially good in a Frozen Coke at the cinema.
8.   Blogging – it began as a purgative vehicle and it’s still frequently cathartic.
9.   Butchers – a successful butcher always has a knack with the ladies.
10. Blackboys – but we’re not supposed to call them that any more, they’re supposed to be called ‘Giant Grass Trees’ but either way you look at it – a spade is a spade is a spade… and a Xanthorrhoea Australis is a Blackboy.


List of 10 Things I Hate or Dislike That Start With “B” List

1.  Back pain – no surprise there.
2.  Burnt toast – it’s a little thing, but pisses me off.
3.  Breakfast radio – less mind numbing crap; more music and traffic please.
4.  Boobs – or rather the men that insist on talking to them and not my face.
5.  Bank fees –charging us for just being customers is so rude.
6.  Bratz – dolls for pre teen girls dressed up like cheap skanky hookers.
7.  Bad drivers – should all be lined up and shot. Period.
8.  Bra shopping – never pretty bras for the busty… bullet proof only.
9.  Broccoli smell – can’t face it since it made me upchuck during pregnancy.
10.  Bathroom etiquette – or rather a lack thereof.  I positively loathe when people try to converse with me while I am in the bathroom as there is usually scant little of any import occurring that is so urgent that can’t wait.  Short of an imminent unexpected visit from Vin Diesel or someone equally fabulous, surely it’s not too much to ask to be able to expect an iota of privacy in the small room.

Are those happy tissues or sad tissues?

For most of this week our house has been looking like a tissue graveyard.  Dead tissues have been congregating in the most unlikely of places… and this probably because all the likely place were already previously occupied with well… with other dead tissues.  And the reason for the dust bunnyish dead tissue infestation?  We have been visited by the plague…..  Again!!!

It’s been a rather bad winter for the number of illnesses we’ve managed to pick up – flu, head colds, throat infections, sinusitis, an ear infection and other things in a general ‘sort of plague theme’..  The only one who has managed to made it through relatively unscathed is the Small Child.  Though I have no idea why given that he spends most of his time with other people’s snotty children and has the worst diet known to childkind (if it ain’t a chicken nugget he don’t want it).

And even though I feel I’ve had my turn with the nasty Head Cold from Hell barely five weeks ago when we came back from Canberra Babylon I think I’m starting to get that tickle in the back of my throat feeling again…

….get your mind out of the gutter!!!!