Since my last accident I’ve been scared shitless of going anywhere. I mean anywhere. So I’ve been finding all sorts of reasons to avoid having to go out and especially avoiding driving my car. I’m not sure why this is happening now. I’ve a couple of theories but that’s probably all just bullshit.
I’ve been in four serious accidents and only now I’m freaking out on the road? What gives? I’m not an irrational person … most of the time. In fact I consider myself more than ordinarily pragmatic and quite sensible for someone of the female persuasion. Yeah, I don’t care if that’s not particularly PC – most chicks I know drive me nuts with their friggin’ hormonal mood swings and I abhor Drama Queens no matter what flavour they come in… equal opportunity derision there.
So here I am… literally having episodic panic attacks on the road. Someone only has to get within spitting distance of my car from a side street or something and that seems to trigger a memory of my dashboard at an alarming angle as we nearly rolled into the oncoming traffic and an uncontrollable emotional reaction on my part that sees me hanging onto the steering wheel, shaking, and yes there are often tears and the worst of it – an impulse to shield my eyes and look away from the road…. which I am fairly confident is not the sort of thing that is congruent with safe motor vehicle handling practices.
Naturally I am less than impressed about this stunning failure on my part to override or control these impulses….. it doesn’t quite sit with my preferred internal picture of myself as someone who is sensible and capable… unflappable even…. and able to negotiate difficult obstacles with ease. I had an acupuncture appointment across town today, and I realised this afternoon that I have spent the last three days trying to figure out how to get there without having to face the city traffic and the predicted anxiety that is now accompanying expeditions of this nature. Three days worrying about having to drive across town. Apprehensive, anxious, uneasy, nervous, disquieted and distressed about getting in my car and going to an appointment.
It’s exhausting…. and it’s fucked. Just totally fucked. How have I gone from being able to fly off to Pakistan on my own to being someone who doesn’t want to drive to Newstead in six short months??
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